Quotes Project
From boards.ie Wiki
The Quotes Project began in February 2008 as a social.ie blog by Nerin recording random quotes, but soon became a blog about all those funny,interesting or downright odd things Boardsies say. If you want to see a Quote here, send Nerin a pm, with a link to the original quote/thread/conversation.
Quotes
Single Quotes taken from Boardsies.
Talliesin
"I think Roger Daltrey said it best when he said, "Who the **** are you?"
DeV
"We also have a Mod-baby where two mods have had a kid making it some kind of uber Damian-seque devil-child bent on oppressing the world....It will open one of its six mouths and sing the song that ends the Earth."
"Everyone should have a Ruu..."
"Its like LOST... you find out stuff and it only brings up more questions." (On the topic of Boards itself)
"Cult pokes the tech and Vex pokes Cult."
"No the money goes towards my ever burgeoning hookers bill. This isnt going to blow itself you know!!"
6th
"but for a laugh go find someone really stupid (someone who smells of gravy) and try get them to believe that the info you put on a CD, DVD actually weighs something"
(So your in Woodies just as a Zombie attack begins....) "I'd cut a deal. Give them the north or something? Like we did last time we got invaded."
"I agree Waterford is by far the bestest village in Wexford."
Terry
"If you keep rolling your eyes, they'll end up permanently rolling."
" Niamh said...
'SWii SWOO!!!
- L
SO S DiS UR FiRST HM3PAG3 PiC DAT i AV3NT UPLOAD3D 4 YA?
- L
OH WAi..................i DiD!!!:L XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX'
BOOM. Sound effects courtesy of my head exploding." (on reading a young members Bebo page)
Ross_Mahon
"I was approached by two little scangers while crossing the bridge over the M50, Moped- "GIVE US UR FONE!?!" burger- "EMPTY UR POCKETZ!", i respond angrily with "NO GIVE ME YOUR PHONE!" they just walked off......? "
"A friend once told me "The pen is mightier than the sword" So i broke the pen against the wall and beat him up..."
Scofflaw
"ideally, I'd like a certificate of damnation from every religion and denomination thereof"
Cult
"Never ascribe to database problems that which can be adequately explained by jerks "
"Everybody loves statistics"
"...it was causing significant problems at the time; unfortunately the only option was to ban China."
Orestes
"[rolled up newspaper]Bold op, very very bold *rubs op's nose in thread*[/rolled up newspaper]"
"I don't have any enemies at all. Anytime someone annoys me, I fall asleep for a while. Then I wake up a few hours or days later covered in blood and the person who annoyed me never seems to show up online again. Is this not how it works for everyone else?"
"nerin, quit calling me oreo and learn how to pronounce my username you lazy bastard!"
"OT, have signed away my life a couple of times, but that's just the risk you take at Funderland"
"You should know that I don't need your help to look foolish, I'm perfectly capable of doing that all on my own. See, I'm doing it right now."
"Remember kids, a zombie is for life, not just for christmas."
"Ah, Irish people giving out about immigration, the ironing never ceases to make me laugh"
(to Kharn & SDooM) " I wonder what happens if we cross the streams of our bansticks?! "
Jack Sheehan
"Its a bit like the League of nations, except with less De Valera and more DeVore." (explaining Boards)
WhiteWashMan
"oh, did i add i was only being facetious?"
"a very high percentage of the posters on AH are female. i dont know how they got there. one minute i was debugging a new flux capacitor while waiting to respawn in team fortress, and the next, someone let chicks on the web! i feel breached. but thats a different debate."
WindSock
Think of the Children as O'Searcaigh might say."
DaveMcG
"Because of the horrible spelling and grammar in that post, I don't think Sully should be modded. In fact I think he should be killed banned."
"I've already killed my whole family to make sure they aren't zombies. Now I'm going to kill myself."
Boggles
"BOARDS.IE Now Ye're Talkin' - Unless we say otherwise Bia'tch!!"
Wertz
"You'll have to excuse my companion, he's been retarded at the bar...drinks Guinness you see....he'll be along in a moment, with your drink. Hmm, so...do you like maths problems?"
Mirror
"zOMG, OH N03S, d04rDs 4R£ Br0k£N!! /collapse"
dr.bollocko
"I also dont believe in pirates. Or is it Pilates? Or Puntius Pilate? Or all three?"
Kickoutthejams
"Pff, most Irish kids these days have no protein in them whatsoever. Drinking their blood is like sipping coke. If you want protein rich children you need to go for the rich kids or immigrants. Mutes are the best as once they're wearing mittens they can't call for help." (on eating children)
nialler24
"That trout looks like its submitting to the fisherman. Fish are gay anyway."
trout
"I only sing when I'm feeling frisky ... so if you ever hear me singing ... RUN !"
"the awesome presence of the Dark Lady often precedes times of great change, upheaval, and occasional mirth, and has been long linked with the consumption of heroic quantities of Dark Rum"
"Remember kiddies, in COD4, guns don't kill people ... Lieutenant Colonel Kharn kills people."
Tha Gopher
"The personal abuse rule is retarded. Used as a shield by...well.....sensitive dickheads."
Sangre
"I love the notion of being made to stand for an athemn that represents freedom of expression and self-determination."
"I'm currently stimulating myself by rubbing my blood engorged genitalia. Any single girls want to chat about being single?"
Overheal
"Carbon Dating and Jeff Goldblum for the win!"
"Boards.ie is like "Slooooooowwwwwwww Dowwwwwwwwnnn" But then I kick it in the face with my ENERGY LEGS."
"anyway the current view seems to be cheesedude has gone from extra 'mature' to moldy as of late.. edit: aww crap MY CHEESE! i need to go make toast brb. edit2: nope the mold got it. damn you kilmeaden ill fillet of cheese YOU."
"le sigh."
"yea but germans get +2 to their fortitude save and an extra feat at every 4th level. Cant beat that."
"I Declare SMILEY JIHAD!"
declaring smiley jihad indeed (note this will get biki'd, as soon as im arsed/able. until then its a link. Nerin)
patrickc
(to LadyJ) "t'will be over before you know it"
son.of.jimi
"I have a ghost... His name is Steven..."
(to Nerin) "You will obey the law of gravity in this house!"
"i hit a bird on the bike today. it flew out in front of me. on the right side of the light there was poop. in the middle, nothing. and on the left, blood. basically, he saw he was gonna die and shat himself"
DinoBot
"Meaning of life... i dont know. But tonight my son asked me what happens when he dies. I told him he will be put in the ground and dirt put on top of him and the worms will eat his rotten body. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he is going to spend eternity in hell"
Thaedydal
"No Nerin I won't relieve you of your virginity no matter how you plead or send me pic of your 'pencil'"
"A woman is only a bird when she goes out with a worm."
"Oh I am one of them as well, tis a description I am very comfortable with and a fair amount of people who post on this site are aware of just how much of a bitch I am, oh sorry were you looking for a medal for observational skills or were you trying to insult me ?"
"Blamed out if you do have a problem with witches and their fingers it could be that you have never had a good look at the finger of a real witch, if that is the case I will happily invite you to take a look at the middle finger on my left hand."
" Thats no hat, thats a tea cosy"
"Far too many people professing the love of footlongs...."
Minesajackdaniels
"You know when you play pool, and you're not very good at it, sometimes you just thump the white ball around the table in the vague hope you'll hit something? It's called a 'shot to nothing'. You're not ruining the game or anything, you're just having your shot, but it's a pointless enough shot.
This is a thread to nothing. "
Smashey
"I really, really, hate you all."
"It's good to put a face on the sandwich maker."
Tom Dunne
"*emerging from a swirl of white smoke, grasping the Banstick of the Brethren, Grand Warlock Dunne warmly observes Ninja-trout in action and nods in approval. He marvels how his young protégé has emerged from his cocoon of insecurity to become the protector of All That is non-Metro. Seeing that all is well, Grand Warlock Dunne glides into the shadows and assumes the role of Overseer of the Realm, Pacifier of Yore Ma's*"
"*sitting patiently in the shadows, Grand Warlock Dunne wonders who this Grand Master Dunne Ninja-trout refers to. Is it an imposter? Is it a Dark Lord of the Metros? Nervously, he observes the Banstick of the Brethren pulsing, with a crimson glow, as if to warn him of impending danger. He suddenly becomes aware of an old wound on the top of his cranium, a legacy of an encounter he had with a Dark Lady during the Gathering of the Brethren. What sorcery is this? *"
"*Grand Warlock Dunne observes the dark potion that has suddenly appeared in front of him. The gentle aroma of hops permeates through the air, tingling his senses, whetting his appetite. Should he sample the presumed delights of said potion? Or is this the work of a Dark Lady, enticing him, tempting him, drawing him into her lair? Also noticing that the Banstick of the Brethren is no longer pulsing, he makes a mental note to purchase power cells next time he visits the apothecary.*"
Halfdog
"If these guys wanted to cull seals in a more humane manner they should find out where they breed and remove their eggs before they hatch. Nothing worse than seeing live baby seals being hacked to death."
Blue Lagoon
"What if the mod in question could pose for both King and Queen? Would that put them in first place? Tar?"
Rb_ie
"Stop deleting my f*cking signatures you bastards."
(on the prospect of 6th being interviewed for a podcast)
"An interview!?
"So 6th, what do you do with yourself these days"
"Well, I generally just go around the forums reporting whatever I can and trying to spot oversized sigs...working my way to S-mod, ya know?"
"And you've just been made a moderator, how did that make you feel?"
"Well, I originally came all over myself but I got over it soon enough, when I got access to the Mod forum though I had an orgasm more powerful than anything Mrs.6th has given me tbh"
Seriously, let him be one of the lads sitting around and talking, an interview is just silly."
"For the last f*cking time stop deleting my f*cking signatures you bastards."
"F*ck chuggers.
That is all.
And I didn't mean f*ck as in "to have sex with"."
" OP: To be honest with ya, I have to disagree. Any time I've had to interact with a moderator on more than a user to user basis, they've always been polite.
Take Terrys last pm to me for example
Quote:
Originally Posted by Terry
Hi Rb,
How are you?Lovely weather we're having these days, isn't it? I just thought I'd drop you a pm as a post of yours was reported, you know how it is, not everybody will take things the same way, and I was wondering if you could possibly refrain from calling those with inferior minds 'retards' as it appears to be upsetting some of them and I've had a few complaints to deal with. I realise it is quite an appropriate term for them, but you know yourself, some people will get offended by anything these days, so do try to keep it to a minimum.
Hope all is well, Your number 1 fan,
Terrance "
Karl Hungus
"I think we also need a forum for World of Warcraft addiction, it's a very serious issue."
"Honestly, we need to get in servers that are powered by the heart of a forsaken child."
JavaBoy
"standard disclaimer - I've nothing against gay people/lefties/wimmins/the environment delete as appropriate. Some of my best friends are gay people/lefties/wimmins/the environment delete as appropriate."
"I'd just like to point out that anyone whose native habitat is the internet does not by definition have any mating habits"
"I'm bored with this troll now.... oooh look something sparkly. Javaboy out."
Feylya
"Ah man, the French broke feedback "
"im not the good kind of fruitcake"
Sherifu
"The only good mod is a dead mod. FACT!"
"Wise Chinese proverb say "He who pays for porn has failed at life."
"I thought lesbians had conquered the air."
SDoom
"Ok, my real name is Brian but recently a neighbour misspelled it on a birthday card as "brain".
Clearly he is in the first stage of zombification, and is becoming obsessed with eating me."
"ASL?
Come here often?
Star sign?
Er...
How you doin'?
Damnit
So, you like penises?"
"would you fukk the sun?!"
"if i was in lower definition i'd be a lizard"
"is that a twitch or are you winking at me???"
"power fist THIS!"
"that was the first time Orestes was softer than me..."
"yore speaking terrorist!"
"you should see me in my day job"
Ruu
"i heart you all"
"Support plus a haon"
"Well this was an absolute bolleex of a thread."
Hagar
The main thing is sincerity, when you can fake that you've got it cracked.
Would that be Indian eloquent or African eloquent?
This thread is giving me an amazing insight into how ordinary minds work. I must study you people more.
If you are enjoying this thread half as much as I am then I'm still enjoying it twice as much as you are.
You must be the begrudger everyone talks about.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
Snyper
"No, i cant say ive ever seen a boardsie randomly. Its unlikely ive ever been spotted. I only come out at night.. and im wearing a balaclava and carrying a roll of duck tape and a stanley knife."
"I find there are a few words that if put in a thread title wil guarentee many pages of posts. These words are: Pighead 6th boobies lol muslim ban & and any combination of the above."
[Also a Large quantity of lolcats]
Victor
"I've actually gone easy on bannings recently. I did hand out 30+ infractions last week though. It scares the life out of some of 'em - they realise they are 10% further along the way to a site ban."
"Back on topic, please."
Sparky-s
"Go do something productive like giving out to your parents for bringing you into this world. Tell them the internet sent you."
kowloon
"I thought the database errors were put in by the team on purpose to remind us that sometimes it's okay to visit the outworld that lies beyond the boards."
"Attic convesions are great for spider nests, bats, mice, small platipii etc."
MonkeyFudge
"Theres no posts by MonkeyFudge in there" (when asked about the quotes project)
"I was out in the Kinsealy Inn about 2 weeks back and I ended up with a girls Basque after I'd sang some karaoke... It had a sort of floral pattern on it and I wore it on my head and went around the bar pretending to be a Roma gypsy saying "For the baby, for the baby' over and over again.... I think I was pretty drunk that night..."
"i'm here to give you my seed. you know, thats what you say when you have an axe"
"Yeah... how come the only way I get to have sex is by sleeping with someone? There should be an easier less sleazy way."
karmabass
(giving advice on women flirting) "Draft a letter, put in a gilded envelope and have it delivered by carrier pidgeon. "Dear Sir, My sasquatch would like to sample the fine delights of your member. Please RSVP."
oscarBravo
"Oh yes, in answer to your PM question: I am the bitch that banned you from Politics. Why, was there a danger of you contributing something of value?"
beautiation
"My granny says she'll never use 112 as the 999 lot have had years more practice."
Kharn
"Why do fish hang around in schools? What's that all about? What are they learning that they won't share?"
Sabotage
"Thats my thing ... misdirection. Even as you read this post I am in your home stealing cheese from your fridge!"
"Check out a great site called www.google.com ... tell them I sent you."
AlmightyCushion
"I just hope CuLT practises safe sex, we wouldn't want him getting a virus."
"Trying is the first step towards failure."
"Trying to get the 100,000th post? You're all pathetic and the one who actually gets it is the most pathetic of ye all. " (upon getting the 100,000th post)
malice_
"Midlanders in general are a bit strange. It's because they can't see the sea. It does things to their mind"
Chunky Monkey
"Never threw something at someone though! Oh wait, actually one time I threw a dictionary at my dad and he threw a mug of hot coffee over me. Well that showed me"
Grimes
"Its always the non believer in the movies who is the first to get eaten. See ya"
CountingCrows
"Had a blind housemate once who was a right pain in the hole. Solution - glued a few door knobs to the wall
Karoma
"When I get pass the boggling, I may get to the banning."
Vexorg
"I grant this thread closure. Was it threads like this that spawned the T-Dome."
Duggy747
"Judge Jesus, his courts are real, your sins are real...........his rulings are final! Praise Judge Jesus!!"
Eddiescoop
"What did Hitler say to the troops before they got in the tanks? Get in the tanks."
DJ_Spider
Greet: Wotcha peeps Byes: Take it sleazy!
Xavi6
"You mean there are actually times when surprise buttsecks should NOT be used?"
Rob_l
"Isn't giving thanks on a page of female members photos just like saying I blew a load to that one? "
Mordeth
"I am *not* Joe Duffy!"
Rozabeez
"*shoves Nerin into the tent and magically zips it from the outside*
Captured!
Ladies and Gentlemen I have here a rare species of human*, please! Line up one by one and pay THREE-FIDDY each to see this uh... unusual creature which we keep in the tent for the safety of mankind!
- Possibly not human, research being carried out - please don't feed the beast."
" my sister abducted my slippers"
"don't be yoinking my words!"
"Will you be serious for a moment and talk to me about farmers"
"i have an irrational fear of dinosaurs"
"im too tired to chew"
Randylonghorn
"Overheal, English please! We don't understand your crazy Amerobabble on this side of the Atlantic!"
Crash_000
"HAHAHAHA, man,thats gotta suck, you're stupid AND poor. Christ, the world just ****ing hates you don't it?"
sueme
"When I grow up I want to be a 6th."
Dre as in Dray
"Do you ever notice "Skeptics" are not skeptical at all, they just dont believe. They are as bad as crazys when it comes to the paranormal. 1 group has its mind so open their brain falls out. The other group's mind is so closed their brain can't breathe."
PDN
"Buying the latest 'Left Behind' novel? 10 euro.
Stocking bottled water in your garage? 200 euro
Setting up a survivalist ranch in Montana? 1 million euro
Learning to interpret the Bible sensibly? Priceless."
Jog On Cnut
"But if any of my posts ever cause you offence be sure to write a letter of complaint and address it to the back of my sack."
Slidey
"Carlsberg don't do sigs, but if they did they did some ****** would report them to the sigpo mob..."
BrianCalgary
"When eternity hits you will reside with your chosen god, the place your heart has taken you."
KERPAL
"Boo means Woo in Serbia im told"
Winters
"Now this is the story all about how
My posts got flipped, turned upside down
And Id like to take a minute, just sit right there
I'll tell you how my posts broke the million thread
In The Cuckoo's Nest born and raised
On the forums where I spent most of my days
Laughing aloud, posting, reading all cool
And trolling some jokes outside of the dome
When a couple of posts who were up to no good
Started making trouble in my forum hood
I got in one little glitch and the cuckoos got scared
And said 'You're moving in with CuLT in boards towers!' "
"LONG CAT IS LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG
"
Humanji
(on the topic of PMing yourself) "You think it's a good idea? I've been recieving death threats from myself for a week now! If I ever catch me, I'll f*cking kill me!"
RickyHatton
No so I am going to fax them. Its much easier cause I can just fax them the money as well rather than using my card
Mahatma coat
"Strange Jim, it appears that the creature wishs to comunicate in some primitave manner"
invincibleirish
"I love the smell of right wing reactionary anti immigrant rhetoric so early in the morning.....makes my trendy liberal self feel so....alive...."
Star-Pants
on the subject of people trying to convert you: "whatever you do, don't tell the people at the door your agnostic/atheist -- makes em more determined.
so determined they made my tea go cold.... *narrows eyes* I hate cold tea..."
DamoElDiablo
"Yore not a wimmins, gtfo!"
c-13
"A jolly jape, similar to sending the new boy to the hardware shop to ask for a packet of fallopian tubes on his first day."
Wilburt (Now just Will)
"Trust us we're from the internet. Fap, fap, fap.".
"I am not an animal" - shouted at the top of his lungs on grafton street
Laura Appleby
"You're probably writing from an internet cafe with the rest of the poverty-posse"
Kaimera
"Nor shall I put my hand in my pocket [unless it's the one with the hole in -.- ]"
Galvasean
"Boomstick > clothes hanger"
nevf
hackers- "Other people get satisfaction out of exploiting holes in technology because they're so socially inept, they cannot get any other holes."
dublinwriter
"Henceforth, the phrase "get a clue" is to be replaced by the nicer phrase "obtain a hint"."
bebeebutterfly
"you know how youre getting laid tonight? ... BECAUSE IM STRONGER THAN YOU!"
random chatbox
"My cat is big .My cat is black (I am not racist ya know).I once had a cat and took pictures of it . I once made a lolcat but people laughed at me . My big black cat is dead now .I accidentally killed it with my typing skillz . I am not a nerd , but my my favourite movie when I was growing up was Karate Kid. I am now a grasshopa .I like cats."
Hivemind 187
"Can we protect Dwarves?
Elves. Can't trust 'em. For years they have been coming into Ireland from Eastern European loser countries and taking jobs from hard working dwarves like myself. It makes me so sad to see dwarves kicking their heels outside the social welfare offices begging passers-by to help them up so that they can see over the counter to make a claim. Its ****ing demeaning.
You know why its elves in Santas workshop though don't you? Because they are freaks! They work for shoes - a pair of clogs a day in some places! - and are too "happy" to get their act together and form a union. Then they have all of the luck in college - positive discrimination towards these falsetto gimps nets them all the good courses leaving only the dregs for honest, hard working dwarves. Don't believe me? How come that 70% of dwarf college graduates have degree's in social science and whale biology? That's not a co-incidence!
I'm sick and tired of all of the pro-elf media portrayals to. Look at the stories people tell their children, "the elves and the shoemaker" which portrays elves as helpful - bull****. In the original German story the elves used the shoemakers shop as a front for laundering the money they made pimping elven-hoes out to wealthy Schnitzel merchants. How about Santa Claus: The Movie - they get a few dozen elves and that club footed sell-out Dudley Moore to prance around in green felt costumes constantly happy and kind to children. No mention of the chronic cocaine usage amongst elves is made, no reference to their genetic predisposition towards balloon fetishism is even so much as hinted at.
Or the ultimate example. Kellogs Rice Crispies. Snap, Crackle and Pop - well known to be engaged in a three way sado-masochistic relationship are portrayed as role models suitable for breakfast cereals! "Pop" isn't a real name. Arthur Snap, Geoffrey Crackle and Anton du Beaumarcie - he got the nickname "Pop" while working in a live sex show in Heidelberg (I have omitted the specifics for the sake of taste and decency).
So While you are sucking down gravy and guzzling Christmas turkey this year, spare a thought for the thousands of marginalised and unemployed dwarves in your community. Many of them wont be having a Christmas, many dwarf children will find no presents Christmas morning - because some coked up elf stole their Daddy's part in the stage production of the Wizard of Oz or was marginalised out of the film industry by Tim Burton (CGI Tim?? CGI???)
In summary - Protect the Dwarves!"
Dades
"It's not the options that make the site nerdy, it the users, bless their linux socks."
mike65
"All together now
With a purposeful grimace and a terrible sound She pulls the sh1t-stirring PI posters down
Helpless people lurking Scream bug-eyed as she looks in on them
She picks up a poster and she throws him back down As she wades through the forums toward the center of town
Oh no, they say shes got to go Go go Modzilla, yeah Oh no, there goes tokyo Go go Modzilla, yeah
Rinji news o moshiagemasu! Rinji news o moshiagemasu! Modzilla ga ginza hoomen e mukatte imasu! Daishkyu hinan ****e kudasai! Daishkyu hinan ****e kudasai!
Oh no, they say shes got to go Go go Modzilla, yeah Oh no, there goes Boarsds-io Go go Modzilla, yeah
History shows again and again How Boards points up the folly of men Modzilla! "
alan dunne 27
"Breath in now breath out Hands up now hands down Back up back up Tell me what you're gonna do now
Keep trollin' trollin' trollin' trollin' (x4) "
MementoMori
"Man seems like they are eveywhere
I for one welcome our new fox overlords"
Dragan
"Am i the only person who is impressed that we have the Antichrist posting on boards.ie?"
thelordofcheese
"There is so much wrong condensed into this one sentence.
It's amazing, we should preserve this post in amber so that future generations can look upon it and despair."
Aisling(",)
"Ha, I had a cock on my face before."
Futurecrook
"i'll play you like WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT!"
Fonpokno
"Porn? Pornography??!!"
"i'll make ross come..........and.........buy me drink!"
"... *THRUSTS* ...."
Peteee
"im pretty sure ive seen all the porn there is... even the gay stuff"
GuanYin
"Dudess is well known for her powers of persuasion among the mod fraternity.
Once she asked another mod for the starbucks coffee he just bought and he handed it over without blinking. THEN she took another mods car without asking and he didn't call the police.
She has also been known to get the admins to switch the website off at 4am in the morning so she can go through all the threads she wants and edit and delete posts without anyone noticing.
And I heard she weighs the same as a duck. I dunno if it is true, but I heard it....
I think we should nuke her form orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
RoundyMooney
on the topic of "yore ma": "about as funny as cancer, and almost as old."
Spoonbadger
"I'm not wearing any pants!!
I'm about as happy as a boy can be!!
/flaunts joy :p "
a little later ...
" *massively confused*
I'm not sure what just happened, but I know it involved innuendo so....
/thinks hard
/drops pants
..... I hope I know what I'm doing here!! >_> "
... and then there was:
"Oi!! At least I have the dignity to beg for it on my knees!! :mad:
Oh frick....
Errr, I didnt say nothin'! >.< "
Cyberwolf77
"You must really trust your friends. I would never let one of the geniuses I know hand me a snake unless a herpetologist was standing by with a complete line of antivenoms and a mongoose."
Mr.Fonnen
"This is like finding a jizz encrusted hanky in your christmas stocking "
Pighead
"Pighead's mind was in a particularly deep and intellectual place yesterday and decided that it was time to turn off Jeremy Kyle and his lowest common denominator rubbish talk and put on something a bit more thought provoking and high brow. Ended up picking up Forrest Gump as had never seen it before. It was an inspired choice. What a movie. One particular thought provoking moment came when Forest came out with this classic quote:
"Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."
Wow! That line absolutely knocked Pigheads socks off. Stopped the DVD, rewound, and played it again and again. It was probably the most inspirational quote Pighead had heard since Jack in the film Titanic shouted out "I'm the king of the world"
Anyway the film finished and that classic box of chocolates quote was still fresh in the mind. Miss Piggy came home a while later. It was time to impress her.
Miss Piggy: What do you want for dinner Pighead? Pighead: "Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." Miss Piggy: What the hell are you talking about ya big eejit? I've just asked you what you want. If you tell me, I'll make it and therefore you WILL know what you're gonna get. Besides most boxes of chocolates come with the little paper that tells you what kind they are. You're momma was a spanner Pighead. Pighead: How dare you say that. Don't insult Moma just because you don't understand the quote you wench.
Stormed out of the house and cursed the Gods. "Why did you have to make Pighead so intellectually superior to most other people? They just don't understand"
Anyway, still inspired by Gump, Pighead started thinking about other things that life is like and decided that: "Life is like a walk in the park. Good in parts but rubbish when you stand in dogshit"
What quote do you think sums life up? "
" Have you ever been robbed?
Pighead has. They took his bicycle. And it wasn't just any old bicycle. It was the best bicycle out of all the bicycles in the nearby area. It was a British Eagle mountain bike and it had 21 gears and was metallic black with beautiful strokes of silver lightly brushed through various points of the bodywork. It was an absolute work of art and every time Pighead sat on it's saddle he felt like a superhero or sometimes a cowboy.
Everybody in the village used to call Pighead "The Eagle". It was the greatest nickname a young child could ever dare to hope for. Especially considering the fact that the rest of the gang consisted of Fathead, ratface, horse(he had a ridiculously long face) and ET(extra thin).
Anyway one day "The Eagle" was gliding down to the village shop when he seen a donkey in distress in a nearby field. The poor fcuker was caught up in a load of barbed wire and was crying it's little donkey eyes out. Jumped off the bike, laid it down in the ditch and heroically strode across the field and freed the donkey from its torment. The donkey nodded as if to say "Cheers Eagle, nice one buddy"
Walked back to the ditch where the bike had been laid but it was nowhere to be seen. The bike was gone. It had been stolen. Pighead cried and cried and cried some more. Never ever got the bike back. The robbers had stolen not just a great bike but a great nickname as well. The Eagle was dead and was to be replaced by Donkey Lover.
So whats the greatest thing that the robbers have stolen from you? "
Conversations
Quotes from multiple Boardsies on a certain topic.
6th and DeV
6th : "Make me a mod?"
DeV : "No"
Hivemind and Brian Calgary
Hivemind (on the subject Jesus) : "...2000 year old Jewish Zombie..."
Brian Calgary : "[Banstick]Hivemind[/Banstick]
buckfast4me and Mizu_Ger
buckfast4me : "insurance fraud?"
Mizu_Ger : "No thanks. I just had one."
Tom Dunne and Star-Pants
Tom Dunne: "I have no problem with blood. As long as it stays inside the body."
Star-pants: "It's a safer place indeed"
The Rigger and Xavi6
(discussing a beauty contest for camels)
Xavi6 : "Are these two humped camels? I couldn't see myself voting for a one breasted woman so why do it for a camel?"
The Rigger : "It's all about the toes Xavi."
Darko and Karl Hungus
(sharing a tender moment)
Darko : "I think Karl Hungus should be banned. He brings nothing to the board and it would end his tyrannical reign over on the film board. His hated of lists is legendary and I find his attitude toward them quite racist."
Karl Hungus : "Hi there Darko. Go f*ck yourself. And you can take that karlhungus.com link out of your sig, you won't be contributing any more, I'm just going to delete all your posts, f*ckstick."
tSubh Dearg and Shabadu
"You've Just Been SModded!!!"
Weeder and Macros42
(on the Microwave and Time machine forum being created)
Weeder : "why hasnt this been approved yet, 666 yes's and 3 no's"
Macros42 : "It was approved just not yet."
Irishbird and PSI
(on her arrival in the Soccer Forum)
Irishbird : "Yes, i am in and now i am going to pretend i know about football."
PSI : "You and DesF have a lot in common so."
Miss Fluff and Creature
Miss Fluff : "I'm a bloody babe so am sure you'll enjoy it"
Creature : "Mmmm I like 'em nice n bloody *licks knife menacingly*"
6th and Rb_ie
(bickering as usual)
6th : "I'm a bigger man than you in every way that counts"
Rb_ie : "Lol, that's not what mrs.6th told me the other night."
Jebus.H.Christ and Dades
(posting on atheism forum)
Jebus.H.Christ : "I hear there are some here who dont belive in ME. How would you like me to prove I exist."
Dades : "If you can unban yourself after 3 days, Jebus, I'll believe you.Goodbye"
GinnyJo and Kev_s88
GinnyJo : "OH MY GOD! Its Maples birthday??? I'm a crap friend!"
Kev_s88 : "yes.....yes you are lol"
Overheal and chopperbyrne
Overheal : "yea but germans get +2 to their fortitude save and an extra feat at every 4th level. Cant beat that."
chopperbyrne : "You're such a geek and so am I for understanding it!"
Overheal and irishguy00
irishguy00 : "Did anyone see those Coke ads everywhere with the message "Gulp"? Well if you look at the 'L' it looks like a big penis! Mate pointed it out to me and now whenever i look at one i'm like It's that obvious! And also the word 'Gulp' is kinda suggestive in itself, not even with the penis looking at you! The ad is bloody everywhere, so you should see one soon enough... and if you read this i bet you will notice it next time. Ill try and find a picture to put it up...
Overheal : "I think someone needs a bit of sex."
So Fc**ing Mad Thread
HairyMolly : "I am so Fc**ing mad. Bought two things/packets? of chicken cold cuts with the same bbf date, on the same day yet one packet had such a horrible stench....totally gone off. Gross Aside from the 'company' who do I make a complaint to."
antodeco : "The chicken?"
rb_ie : "Not us anyway."
Karoma :"Joe F. Duffy."
stepbar and eoin_s
stepbar : "No offence dude, but if I had passed the same guy and he started to pull sh1te like that, I would have calmly stayed in front. He rear ends you and he's in the sh1te. I understand why you would have been sh1ting yourself but bullies like that need to be thought a lesson."
eoin_s : "I think I've spotted a flaw in your plan - it's that you get crashed into."
LuckyStavros and smashey
LuckyStavros : "The bannings I have received reak of neo fascism/communism. They are very unfair and unjust."
smashey : "Don't let that get you down. The next ban you receive will reek of righteousness."
Abigayle and Galvasean
Abigayle : "I love that film Galva."
Galvasean : "Why don't you marry it?"
Faceman and Irish Halo
Faceman : "I find Atheists to be the most oppressive cult, especially on boards.ie! "
Irish Halo : "Shut up you're just annoyed there is no god, muppet"
Nerin and Zaph in Nerin's true identity revealed!
Nerin : "I go for a smoke, food arrives, get more drink, and she does all this?! and signs off messenger before I can go nuts...goddam it!!!"
Zaph : "Awwwwww, what's wrong with poor ickle poogie? :D"
Mizzlolly and Orestes
Mizzlolly : "I woke up this morning there was a voicemail on my phone. Still half asleep I call 171 and I hear, "Hello.. This is Enda Kenny from Fine Gael...""
Orestes : "I woke up this morning with an erection that wouldn't go away, so I too know what it's like to wake up with a pr!ck annoying you."
Teutorix et al
Teutorix : "oh nothing much really, just nursing my finger back to health. Just a really bad sprain. My ass was tighter than i expected XD (Just messin', it was a football.)"
Spoonbadger : "Wait.... was it a football that broke your finger, or that got shoved up your.... :pac:"
Teutorix : What would ya say if it was both? :pac: :pac:
Randylonghorn : That you're no further use to him ...? >_>
random chatbox & Spoonbadger
random chatbox : " Well do you see my spoon?!??!? :( "
Spoonbadger : " Oh dear, it's in the hand that ain't waving, ain't it ....? "
emo!! and monkeyfudge
emo!! : "i cant see it either, jaysus ghosts should be a colour we could see like bright pink or purple or blue , or yellow, or well you get the drift !!"
monkeyfudge : "They're only blue after you've eaten a power pill."
Kharn and Overheal and javaboy
Kharn : "pfffff! Everyone knows your post count means nothing.
Your JOIN DATE though... "
Overheal : "Doesnt that just mean your E-Penis is smaller and more wrinkled?"
javaboy : "E-rectile dysfunction affects 50% of members (snigger) with join dates before the year 2000. Don't suffer in silence."
kelly1 and JimiTime
kelly1 : "This may come as a surprise to a lot of you but I'm Catholic "
JimiTime : " "Kelly1 in 'I'M CATHOLIC' Shocker""
Joanne87 and Nerin
Joanne87 : "Hi, I got three gerbils last week and have just noticed one of them repeatedly stamping his foot on the floor of tank. I heard the same noise during the night but didn't know what it was. Is it a sign of something? Our rabbit used to do it too, when she was scared. But there was nothing to scare him either last night or just now, no loud noises or lights going on suddenly or anything. Is it normal gerbil behaviour? Thanks "
Nerin : "He wants to dance "
Nerin and Futurecrook
Nerin : "You're Futurecrook? I thought you were a guy..."
Futurecrook : "Wait, online or when you met me tonight?"
and another
Nerin : "if you become mod,we could have mod babies ^_^ "
futurecrook : "no,we could have a mod abortion"
and yet another
futurecrook : "Are you wearing THOSE crotchless trousers?!"
Nerin : "Yes,well,now with added crotch. "
CreepingDeath and Zillah
CreepingDeath : "Do gay dolphins take it up the blowholes ?"
Zillah : "No they fellate each other. Most of them can also make more consistent and logical arguments than you."
Zaph and Macros42
Zaph : "Do other religions have an antichrist too? I'd love to see the Buddhist one"
Macros42 : "Antibuddha doesn't roll off the tongue as easily as antichrist tho "
Doingmybit and Orestes and Overheal and Nerin
doingmybit : "Hi Lads, can anyone explain how you become a moderator"
Orestes : "It's kinda like the stonecutters. You gotta be the son of a mod or save the life of a mod. Then they all spend a night paddling you."
Overheal : "Nipple Clamps and a crackwhip"
Nerin : "me and doom hit Orestes with a commodore64 keyboard wrapped in barbed wire for 7 hours before he got in."
pierrot and kold and monkeyfudge
pierrot : "How many sexual partners do you think your parents had before they got together?"
kold : "Dad 0, Mum 25,684."
monkeyfudge : "Actually there are currently 187,961 members of boards."
kold : "Boards aint going 30 years though."
monkeyfudge : "Microwave and Time Machines forum, my friend."
The-Rigger and SDooM
The-Rigger : "Would it be against the charter to call someone a daywalkin cúnt?"
SDooM : "Would it be orestes?"
The-Rigger : "It would."
Sdoom, Monkeyfudge and Nerin
someone : "Orestes has a job?!"
Sdoom : "hes a guide for the blind"
Monkeyfudge : "a guide dog?"
Nerin : "wheres his leash?"
Sdoom : "Thaed has it"
Nerin and Sdoom
Nerin : "im wearing pants"
Sdoom : "thats important"
monkeyfudge and ScumLord
monkeyfudge : "I'm a hat thief's worst nightmare."
ScumLord : "Is that because you don't wear a hat?"
Miscellaneous
Things that don't fit anywhere else.
Feedback, how were you treated? poll
Results:
Resolution, no ridicule = 17 votes
Resolution with ridicule = 14 votes
No resolution, no ridicule = 4
No resolution but lots of ridicule = 18 votes
I Loikes Throwing Toys Outta Meh Pram (Click dis one Dame) = 7 votes
Bring On Teh Cat Pics! = 10000029 votes
Hagar's Guide to Mod Payment
""All mods get paid on a sliding scale as follows*:
- Scathing comment to a noob -€0.50
- General sarcastic post - €0.25
- Baiting known idiots - €0.75
- Warnings issued - €1.00
- Infractions issued - €1.75
- Bans - per week - €3.50
- Bans - permanent - €5.00 (not paid if poster re-regs within 7 days)
- Joining in to ridicule posters in Feedback - €1.50
- Posting Lolcat - €1.00
- Per logged-in hour per forum modded - €0.25
- New threads started in a forum modded - €0.05
All in all a nice little earner if you are prepared to put in the hours and cause the odd controversy. Last week I made a tidy sum, add that to the hookers and coke and life is good.
- may not be 100% accurate, may actually be 100% false."
April 1st madness
Feedback : Banned from the Necrophilia forum
Started By DaBreno, this thread was one of many random threads that started on April 1st, The Cuckoos Nest holy day.
Devore : "I was going to merge that forum with the Equestrian forum, but then I thought to myself "ah, thats just whipping a dead horse" ...
Which mod would you ban? Thread
Started by Hagar (who was fake banned as a prank on the regular users), this thread was used for the new Mods (everyone,more april fools shenanigans) to say who they would ban with their new (fake) mod status/powers.
Overheal : "I'd bang beruthiel, sure." (Overheal totally missing the point of the thread ... or did he?!!)
Free Hagar!
"Free Hagar? I'll take it!"
Many users were distraught at the thought that their beloved Hagar had been banned,and started feedback (and asking why lolocaust was gone) threads demanding his return/an explanation why he was banned.[1][2] Some users suspected foul play however, but when 12 midnight came, and april fools day was finished, there was still no sign of Hagar. Adding to this worry was a "fight" between Karl Hungus and Gordon, where it appeared Gordon was beating the crap out of Karl with his superior SMod powers. WhiteWashMan also fanned the flames when he posted things that made the Hagar saga seem more suspcious.
To everyones relief Hagar was alive and well the next morning. [3]
Not everyone was laughing at the joke however.
Bambi:"On a scale of one to ten I'd say the guy who posted that 6th was in a coma was funnier than this happy horsesh*t"
Smasheys Guide to Diets
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A:Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A:You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: ]No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q:What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A:Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q;Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A:YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q:Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle?
A:Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q:Is chocolate bad for me?[/b][b] A: Are you crazy?HELLOCocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q:Is swimming good for your figure?
A:If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q:Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A:Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO! What a Ride'
AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you
My own Ross Geller problem
christeb : "OK, so I bring in sandwiches to work - 3 whole sandwiches wrapped up in tin foil - that's 6 slices if that's how you count...
The event in question has happened twice, what to do???
I've come to the fridge, to find the package has been opened and someone has taken a sandwich out and repacked. Its really starting to freak me out!
The office is not big, maybve 20 people in total, but my Co. only accounts for a small amount of that, so I can start goign around and smelling people's breath, examining desks for crumbs etc.
I was thinking of lacing the top sandwich with some sort of laxative, the culprit should then be easily identifiable later in the day.
Any other ideas?"
whiskeyman : "Poo sandwiches ftw!"
Rb : "Forget laxatives. Just stick a load of sewing needles/thumb tacks in the sandwhich.
You'll identify her much quicker and more effectively.
Then stab them on their way to the car that evening."
Collie D : "Poison sandwiches...this warrants murder. Either that or put a post-it note on your sambos."
AlmightyCushion : "Murder one of your co-workers each day. The one day your sandwhiches aren't gone then the person you murdered that day is the culprit. Extreme? Maybe but desperate times call for desperate measures."
caoibhin : "And rape, dont forget the auld raping."
Rb : "They're obviously poor and can't afford their own lunch.
Kidnap their children, that'll show them."
sangre : "Better yet kidnap their children, kill them and then make sandwhiches out of them."
funk-you : "Under the slice of bread leave a note saying "this is not yours you cheap f/ck" When he bites into it the note will come out and he'll read it."
On the issue of allowing pictures in After Hours
The_Minister "I have this image of Cult screaming to Devore "She cannot take it, Admin. She just can't", while sparks fly around the violently shaking room.
A panel explodes, hurling the charred Vexorg across the room.
Cloud rushes to check his pulse, while Devore, grim and determined, grips the edge of his chair, staring forward into the certain death of the server that the AH crew, led by Pighead, have commandeered.
Slowly, Devore stands, faces forward, and quietly gives the order to seperate the boards servers.
The vulnerable forums, parenting, humanities, PI, The Ladies Lounge and others will flee in some servers.
The serious forums, politics and feedback stay. The Brothers of BRGH are given the offer of safety, but none take, knowing that their admin will have a better chance with them.
Devore surveys his posters with a grateful and moved eye.
"Mr. Cult", he says quietly, "Ramming speed"
"aye sir"
/Cut to the AH ship.
Pighead's brows knot in confusion as he stares at the approaching server, then his eyes go wide in shock and horror, and he opens his mouth and screams "Devooooore".
He is still screaming as the bridge of the other server collides with his. He sees Devore still standing quietly, gazing as him as the server quickly begin to buckle and minor explosions run long the lengths of both servers.
Just at the last second, Devore and his crew are beamed out by the resourceful posters of The Ladies Loungue. They all watch as the other servers explode.
Later on, Devore and Cloud are sitting in Devore's office, chatting away about what happened.
Cloud: "We had no choice Admin, they would have consumed everything".
Devore: "Yes number one. But it was our choice to give them the technology to post pictures in the first place. We must be more careful about who we give that power to. Not all posters are as advanced as us."
Cloud: "It's just so hard to see them unable to enjoy funny, appropriate pictures, lightly interspering conversation"
Devore: "Maybe, number one. There will come a day when they will be able for pictures, without using them for LOLcats. But, for now, until they advance, they must do without, and we must stand against those who would give pictures to those unready for them"
/inspirational music
Cut to server fading into the void."
Bostons guide to feedback
Erm, its goes like this
Muppet: "**** you guys, you cant do this to me"
The Rabble: "It appears you are quiet distressed my I be of assistance to you"
Muppet: "**** you and the horse you rode in on"
The rabble: "I assure you I meant no offense to you in my previous post, perhaps you'll find these links most illuminating
Muppet: "Lock this thread now"
The rabble: "A simply thank you would have done"
Muppet: "I'm a 17 year old girl with perky breast, how can I possible be expected to behave myself when I'm clearly a petulant spoiled brat accustomed to whining and throwing tantrums to get my way. You're all so mean"
Desf: "Hey babe, don't worry about all those mean mean boys, what you need is a strong man. I like football and moonlit walks along the beach"
Muppet: "Oh desf, you're the only one who understands the depth of my womanly needs"
Desf: "bamb"
In a nutshell.
eolhc guide to ascii boobage
Perfect breasts (o)(o)
Fake silicone breasts ( + )( + )
Perky breasts (*)(*)
Big nipple breasts (@)(@)
A cups o o
D cups { O }{ O }
Wonder bra breasts (oYo)
Cold breasts ( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts (o)(O)
Pierced Breasts (Q)(O)
Hanging Tassels Breasts (p)(p)
Grandma's Breasts \ o /\ o /
Against The Shower Door Breasts ( )( )
Android Breasts | o | | o |
Martha Stewart's Breasts ($)($)
Dre as in Dray "Mogwai advice" on Animal and Pet Issues
Dre as in Dray : "Hi , i have been thinking long and hard about getting a Mogwai but have heard many horror stories about them. Are there any owner's here or anybody can lay my fears to rest ?
I hear that some of them can be very mischiefus ? Is it true they suffer from severe mood swings when fed late . I also hear that water can effect their reproductive cycle ?
Any tips would be great ."
Amps farewell(?)
Dont ask. no really. dont. just read. and think.
God is Online
The Mad Hatter made a startling discovery and shared it with the Atheist and Agnostic forum. Turns out god was online, but not making much sense....
AtomicHorror : "Well surprise, surprise. God won't answer me. This is just like my teenage years all over again. "
Whoops Apocalypse Nearly
Duffers : " SCRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE 'Sir, what was that?' 'That, Jones, was the sound of the end of my career. Set a course to the nearest dole office.' "
sceptre on reporting posts in the Politics forum
free-man : " Come again?
What makes you think I have or haven't reported them? "
sceptre : " If you take a quick glance to your left...
<----- Politics moderator. I get all reported posts in this forum forwarded to me so that action can be taken promptly where appropriate.
<----- Site administrator. I can see any and all reported posts since it was first possible to report posts.
I don't think you haven't reported a post ever. I know you haven't. But feel free to where you feel you've been mistreated by another poster in the future - it's the little warning triangle icon at the bottom-left of each post. At the core of the Politics forum charter is that people shouldn't be insulted or abused by other members. That applies to all members of the site. If you've been called a liar you deserve to have justice done. It's easier for me if you report it rather than me going through the replies to all of your 192 posts on boards.ie. It's part of what we do on a moderation level, help people to post their opinions in a reasonable way without personal abuse. Calling someone a liar without proof is personal abuse. I'll be happy to look sternly into any occasions where you've been subjected to this. Pointless calling people out on thread about it though (and that's why it's mentioned in the charter) - the moderators have the power to sanction and stop this behaviour from anyone who has subjected you to abuse. Neither you nor anyone else deserves to be subjected to that and none of us want that kind of behaviour on the site. Again, it's part of what we do.
Please don't be slow to send any more questions that don't go on this thread (in other words queries that don't relate to Eamon Ryan answering boards.ie's questions about the Lisbon Treaty) to me by PM. I always get back to people with queries as soon as possible. "
free-man : " Thanks for the detailed response. If I see it happening again I will most definitely report it. "
